favorite fake cum formulas

Is there anything better than working yourself into a frenzy with a new toy and then have it explode with gooey goodness on–or in–your most erogenous parts?

By Stellar St. Domini

For anyone seeking ultimate realism in kinky play nothing has been as exciting as the expanding selection of squirting dildos.  Judging by the enthusiastic reaction to the ejaculating toys that Centurian offers I think it is safe to say these toys really hit the mark. The cocks just flew off the shelves and now that we have an even larger selection I knew it was time to offer up recipes for fantastic fake cum!

Now, I’m about as crafty as they come, I love to  create interesting stuff, but to be honest, I don’t really have the time to mix up batches of pseudo spunk so my first recommendation is to use a realistic ‘cum’ lube for your first playtime with these toys. These look and feel just like the real thing, plus they come scentedunscented, desensitizing, and there are even pussy scented varieties.

But I know that many of you will want to spend the weekend tinkering with formulas, dressed in your kinkiest outfit (or nude beneath that apron), so I’ve compiled a few ideas on how to make your own artificial jizz.

1. One idea is to simply use a French Vanilla coffee creamer or kitten milk replacement formula. These would need to be thickened up slightly to avoid unnecessary dribbling but I would also not recommend using either of these internally. There is too much sugar for the ladies (yeast infection alert) and for the guys, well, dairy up the butt just sounds a little bit risky. However, if you are looking for a tasty formula you can swallow or simply love to give out pearl necklaces these ideas might be for you.

2. Another method is the simple combination of cornstarch and water, heated over medium and stirred constantly until it reaches your desired consistency. Keep it at room temp or else it will get too thick to squirt. This does not taste very good but cornstarch is fairly innocuous and is most likely crotch safe.

3. The next recipe expands on the cornstarch and water with a few additional ingredients that make it perishable so please make it fresh and discard unused portions immediately! This one looks very realistic and has a fairly neutral taste so you should be able to avoid gagging on the flavor, though gagging on the dildo is up to you.

  •   1 cup water
  •   2 TBSP cornstarch
  •   1 raw egg white (or about 1 TBSP pasteurized egg whites)
  •   1 TBSP plain yogurt
  •   pinch of salt

Dissolve cornstarch in ¼ cup of water and set aside. Bring the remaining water and a pinch of salt to a simmer in a small saucepan, then stir the cornstarch to redissolve it and stir it in. Simmer and stir the mixture for about two minutes; it will be very thick. Cool the mixture thoroughly. (If you don’t let it cool the egg will get cooked.) If you are impatient, set the pan in a bowl of ice and stir to speed the cooling. When cool, stir in the egg white and yogurt. Mix thoroughly with a wire whisk until smooth. If you want a little more flavor you can add ¼ teaspoon of vanilla extract and some Equal or Splenda for sweetness when you add the egg.

I should probably leave it at that but knowing the kink crowd the way I do I’m sure there are major geeks out there who want to ‘cook’ up a formula and put Walter White to shame so I have one more recipe to share. Be advised, this one is pretty involved and will require more than the usual household goods normally on hand, but it is also one of the best looking and realistic tasting of them all. Check it out below…

Ingredients for just over 1 cup (500 mL):

Water: 1 cup (250 mL)

Thickeners:

  Corn starch, 3 teaspoons (15 mL)

  Unflavored Gelatin, 3 teaspoons (15 mL)

Ionics (salt like ingredients):

  Table salt (NaCl) ¼ teaspoon (1.25 mL)

  Salt Substitute (pure Possasium Chloride, if possible), ¼ teaspoon (1.25 mL)

  Baking soda (Sodium BiCarbonate, NaHCO3), ¼ teaspoon (1.25 mL)

Sweetener:

  High fructose corn syrup, 3 teaspoons (15 mL)

Smell/preservative:

  Optional, Household bleach (6% Sodium Hypochlorite), , ¼ teaspoon (1.25 mL)

(This is a ratio of 1 part bleach to 200 parts water, slightly more than in the disinfecting solution linked to above. Halve or quarter this if you are concerned, or leave it out entirely)

Bitter (optional):

  100 mg Caffiene, half a 200 mg tablet, finely crushed (e.g. in a folded paper plate)

Instructions:

  Measure out thickeners into a dry, microwave-safe container

  Measure out the water into a separate container

  Measure and add each of the ionic (salt-like) ingredients to the thickeners

  Stir the dry mix well with a fork.

  Add a small amount of water, roughly equal to the volume of the combined thickeners and stir until there are no lumps.

  Add more water gradually, while continuing to stir and break up lumps.

  Continue adding water and mixing until all the water is added, and the mix is as lump free as you can get it.

  Warm in microwave (approx. 2 minutes total (per cup), but use 30 second intervals until you know how long to boil in your microwave), until just boiling. Watch carefully for boil-overs, because this viscous mix traps bubbles and is prone to boil over!

  Add the corn syrup to the hot mixture and stir well.

  Cool to room (or body) temperature.

  Optional, add bleach and stir well. I suggest adding only half (or less), then taste, then add the rest, if desired.

  Optional, add Caffeine and stir well (may require warming slightly to get the Caffeine to dissolve in.) I suggest adding only half, then taste, then add the rest, if desired.

The bleach should not only give this a realistic smell, but it should help prevent (or at least delay) spoilage. This should last well over a week in the refrigerator, and possibly even longer, but use your eyes, nose and common sense, as with anything you consume.

If you are uncomfortable with bleach in something you (or playmates) are going to consume, then by all means, LEAVE IT OUT! 

Disclaimer, I am not any sort of medical, pharmaceutical, chemical or health professional. I did some research, and also experimented on myself without harm. Use this recipe at your own risk.

If you have played with one of these toys and found YOUR perfect formula then we want to hear about it! Leave us a comment and share your expertise.